Happy Birthday, William!

Spent the morning at the zoo for his birthday!

My firstborn turned two today. TWO! Since the moment William woke up I’ve been in awe of him. How much he’s grown in the blink of an eye. These last two years my heart has been so full; he brings so much joy into our lives. At just two years old he crawls out of his big boy bed in the morning and greets us with a sweet, high pitched “Hi!” He walks down the stairs all on his own and eats his cereal all by himself with a spoon. He says please (pweese) and thank you (dank youuu) when he wants his milk. The child is a puzzle genius! The list goes on and I could brag about this boy until the sun comes up. More than what he can do, I love him for who he is. William is such a sweet boy. Truly loving down to his bones. He is the very definition of affectionate offering his kisses to anyone who asks. Samuel has stolen his heart. William loves to snuggle him by crawling on top of him and squeezing too tight. He kisses his head every time he walks by while reciting, “baby.”  Unlike most boys his age he tends to be quieter, though he’s finding his voice a little more lately. In a house full of people and kids you can find William venturing off to play on his own. My little introvert. He laughs the hardest with his daddy and has taken to Mike’s love for planes. Maybe in the spring Mike will take him for his first single engine flight. He’s most comforted by his momma and loves to snuggle me every day after his nap- my favorite time of day. I never imagined all the ways he would change our lives, more so, add to our lives. We sing William a short doxology before bed each night and say the same prayer. The words have already been written for me regarding my thankful heart to God for all he’s given me in the precious and perfect gift of my son, William.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

Praise Him all creatures here below

Praise him above ye heavenly hosts

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

On your second birthday,

May the Lord bless you, William Michael

May the Lord keep and protect you on your second birthday and everyday after

May the Lord make His face to shine upon you, Amen.

Happy birthday, William! Momma loves you!

L

Father and son.

The Words Came Back

It’s been so long since I last wrote, over a year..so many reasons for that. Today I begin again, pen to paper, writing my heart.

I want to write about so many things, but mostly I want to write about Tim. It’s been almost six months since we lost my brother. Six months. Six months of waking up and going to bed and a hundred loads of laundry, celebrating birthdays and baptisms, six months of emotions running the gamut from confusion to anger to sadness and everything in between.

Tim and I were nine years apart. That’s a lot of years in between us. A lot of years that make our relationship complicated. We weren’t the closest of siblings, in fact we fought so hard at times we probably could have set a world record. Now I think back to some of our arguments and I can’t help but laugh; like the time he picked me up by my overalls and gave me the worst wedgy. Or the time he brought all the dirty pots and pans up to my bedroom because it was my turn to do the dishes and I refused. We were so much alike. Strong willed, stubborn and free spirited. Very very stubborn. For as many times as we screamed and tattled on each other, I loved Tim so hard. I made sure to always tell him that, even if I was yelling it at him.

There were good times too and once I got a little older the tattling turned into watching each other’s back. After Tim died my family and I flew to Colorado where he was living to gather his belongings and bring him home. As we were sitting in the hotel room all together we began to share stories. I figured enough time had passed that I could tell my parents about the time Tim warned me they had found wine coolers in my closet. My sixteen year old self and Tim came up with a big lie and they TOTALLY believed me. Phew. Thanks for saving me, Tim.

Oh Tim. I miss you so much sometimes it drives me to anger. I hate this world sometimes, I hate that you had diabetes. I hate that diabetes killed you. I hate that you’re not here to make pot roast and destroy mom’s new kitchen. I hate that you don’t get to watch William grow up and that you’ll never meet Samuel, your newest nephew. You're not even here and look at me still getting mad at you!

I love you biggest brother. You will always be missed, more than I bet you ever thought possible. We will always remember you and talk about you. I’m going to carry on your tradition of homemade chex mix at Christmas and Costco sweatpants. I’ll never be able to eat licorice again without thinking of you. I promise to tell my boys all about you and let them listen to Grateful Dead and put too much salt on their popcorn. In so many ways I hope they grow up to be like you; to follow their heart and pursue their passions. To feel deeply. To love the beauty of this world and the people in it. 

From the deepest part of my heart I love you!

L

Six Months!

My baby boy is SIX MONTHS old today! I still cannot put into words just how much I love him, capture  what he means to us or describe the kind of joy he brings. In every way he is amazing. Although I still often have moments when I find myself mourning the passage of time, he is becoming this little person who is so fun to watch grow up. He is discovering the world around him, wanting to touch and look (and eat!) each new object and texture and person. He’ll smile for almost anyone and laughs the most for his daddy. From the start his disposition has always been flexible and laid back. Bananas, sweet potatoes and carrots are his favorite. He apparently wants to be just like his cousin Eddie-bear and boycott any green vegetable. On the subject of Eddie, William loves his big cousin and Eddie has taken to him too, always wanting to give him kisses and make him happy when he cries. William’s latest trick is sitting up all on his own, though he has absolutely no interest in rolling over (accept of course in the middle of the night when he wants Mom to come put him back!). Already he has become an expert at air travel with a whopping 8 flights behind him and another 2 coming up next week! Amazing Grace is his favorite song and he loves to sleep with his giraffe lovey. He will still sleep in my arms and you better believe I take full advantage of that. Just today I went in during his nap and scooped him up and rocked and held him, thanking God for his life and enjoying a sleeping baby in my arms. It won’t be long until he is into everything, moving about and creating a wake in his path. I try hard to be present in each day with him, learning not to stress too much when he doesn’t sleep through the night or wakes too early from a nap. That kind of stress robs me from my joy. I want to look back on these months and remember how sweet they were, despite the ever looming anxieties every mom struggles with, eating and sleeping. I’m so thankful for this child. I’m so thankful to be raising William with Mike by my side. I’m so thankful for a big family that loves William, too. Happy half year William Michael Wenzler. May God bless you and make His face to shine upon you!

With Love,
L

A Conflicted Heart

William is almost 5 months old. Saying that out loud almost brings me to tears. Obviously when you have a baby, that baby must grow. For some reason though, the knowledge that my baby is growing is almost a little painful.  All the ways that he changes from week to week are amazing, so amazing that when Mike and I watch him play we are completely enthralled, totally giddy; the image of parents who are practically drooling over their baby with no ability to turn our eyes from him. But we do, because we have to. Because our marriage is important, because life is about so much more than William and his beautiful eyes and chubby cheeks. As he grows, I feel so many emotions about sharing him with the world. Part of me wants to post every picture of every angle of his awesome, 100% natural mohawk. I want to share every hilarious new thing he does or sound he makes. Tell every friend and stranger a new milestone he’s met and how he’s SO advanced (you know, just like every parent thinks).  It’s like when you fall in love for the first time and you want to shout from a mountain top telling the whole world how much you love ___. That’s how I feel about William.

And then there is this other half of me that wants to cradle him in my arms and cover his face and never let him go. I think maybe if I hold him tight enough he’ll just stop growing. He’ll never have to feel pain, his biggest problem will be that he feels hungry and I can fix that in seconds. William has his whole life to be exposed to social media. He will grow up in a world that demands tech savvy abilities, that will challenge social graces, and too easily allow every part of his life to be exposed with little to no accountability. We all hear about apps like “Hot or Not” and the hundreds like it that have turned the dating world upside down. They have taken meaning and intimacy out of relationships. Don't hear me wrong. I think technology is wonderful and amazing! As a parent, technology is terrifying.

So how am I to reconcile my conflicted heart? How do I teach William to be in the world, but not of it. What is the balance of sharing my wonderful gift of a son and also being his parent and protecting him. For me, the answer is placing my trust in Jesus. I have to fight every day to think that I can protect him better, that I can stop any storms from coming. And the reality is, the hard stuff in life usually brings us to a sweeter place. William will feel pain in this life, he will be hurt and do some hurting himself.  My prayer for him is that he will look to Jesus.

And as I hope for William, I too will look to Jesus. I will trust that a balance of sharing and protecting is a good example of being in the world and not of it. So here is a little peek of William lately.

For all who are confused, his mohawk is not man-made. Sticks straight up right out of the bath!

Newborn

4 months. 

With love,

L

In 2014 I Hope to... Link-up party!

How fun to start the year blogging via parrrrtaayyyy! Thanks Katherine, for inviting your fellow bloggers to your awesome blog, and for encouraging me to begin blogging again!

In 2014 I Hope To...Lower the Bar

It seems a strange thing to begin this year by telling myself to lower the bar. After all those years of being told to raise the bar, to have better and bigger and higher goals, to expand my expectations… well this year I’m doing just the opposite. Mostly because I have a 7 week old, and anyone whose ever had a 7 week old knows that very little actually gets done in a day. But also because, after all those years of raising the bar, striving for better and bigger and higher goals (and then usually failing) and creating expectations which were unrealistic and entirely too demanding, I am tired. Truthfully, in all that, I've just played the comparison game and it’s been bad for me.

…her house looks amazing in her fb pictures…

…they seem to manage their twin toddlers and newborn baby and go on dates…

…not fair that she always has a new dress AND looks skinny in it…

…her job seems amazing and rewarding, maybe I should think about going back to school…

we've all been there, right?!

So this year, I am lowering the bar. My goals are shaped around what’s best for me and my family… not what I see everyone else doing and saying. And what’s best for us might be a bit of a slower pace, less perfection, and hopefully a whole lot more grace.

So here goes, 3 broad categories of goals:

1. Mommahood: 

More than anything else in life, I've always wanted most to be a mom. In God’s goodness, this year I am a mom. Already I feel the difficulty in making decisions for my son, decisions that have a thousand differing opinions…and if you don’t make the right decision, though no one will actually say it out loud, you are made to feel less of a mother. Guess what fellow moms, I’m declaring there is no one right decision, and my husband and I are going to make the decision that we think is best for our son and family. In a little defensiveness, yes I got an epidural. It was glorious! Yes my child sleeps in his crib in his own room, away from his momma. He is sleeping almost 7 hour stretches at night and hasn't stopped breathing, thank you very much. And no, giving him a paci and a bottle in the first month did not create nipple confusion, he nurses like a champ. If you've made different choices than me, I hope you know I support you 110%, I hope you’ll do the same for me J So my goal this year is to spend as much guilt free time loving, snuggling, holding, playing and caring for my son- whether or not we have clean underwear and dinner on the table. AND to make it an effort to support my momma friends who make different decisions than me, without judgment.

2.Family Living: 

Most of our evenings look something like this; Mike comes home (or steps out of his home office) sometime around 5:30, I am getting dinner started and we chat for awhile, maybe over a shared beer or glass of red wine. We eat around 6:30 or 7 and clean up. Ok, Mike cleans up J At this point I usually beg to sit on the couch in hopes of watching the next 3 episodes of Downton or 6 of Parks and Rec. My husband, being the King of not wasting time usually wants to read or exercise or do something requiring brain cells. We also hope to spend time reading God’s word together or some other book that would facilitate in growing our faith. So this year, one of our goals as a couple is do to so, to follow through. Because it is good for us, for our marriage, and because we want glorify God. We’ve just started a commentary on 1 Samuel by Dale Ralph Davis. I highly recommend it. The author is intelligent, sarcastic and pastoral all at the same time. Once the weather warms up, we also hope to be more involved in our community. Whether that’s joining a softball league or becoming “regulars” at the park, we feel a deep desire to know those living around us and to hopefully form friendships out of it.

3.Personal Goals: 

This is the hardest category… to not set myself up for failure, to lower the bar while still striving to improve myself. Thankfully, God does not leave us where we are, and so I have help in this department. Without going into detail, some off the cuff goals would include loving my husband well, maintaining patients with my husband and son no matter how exhausted I feel, taking time each day to read and pray, stick to our grocery meal plan/budget, continue to improve and be a good steward of maintaining our home (in relation to cooking, cleaning, inviting guests in, and giving of our time and resources. I must include that my sweet sweet husband shares is so many of these responsibilities with me, that he makes it easy for me!) And then of course, there is the ever looming, year after year goal of health and fitness. Still don’t have this one figured out, mostly because I am not the most disciplined of people. But this year we bought a treadmill! I’m optimistic that the convenience of having it in my own home will improve the likelihood of using it! And last but not least, to be gentle with myself. Remembering that I shouldn't have a standard of perfection, but instead work to be content with my imperfect self. 

Cheers to 2014 and may God receive all the glory!

With Love,

L

Happy Birthday Husband!

Today is my husband’s birthday. I LOVE my husband’s birthday, maybe almost as much as I love my own birthday. J On November 7^th every year I get to celebrate the man I love the most. I get to make his favorite breakfast (waffles.. he’s easy to please) and dote on him all day. He has a hard time with this, accepting all the extra special attention from others on his birthday. And my favorite part of the day is when I get to give him his present. He’s not a spender and will always say he wants nothing, but I know he’s weak in the knees for anything Patagonia or BMW related and can always convince him to keep his gift rather than return it and save the money! At some point in the day we usually make our way to Starbucks for his grande vanilla late, extra hott; the choice of beverage he always use to get with his dad and brother.

Mike's Birthday 2009, we were engaged at the time

 His dad passed away in the middle of the night of his birthday 5 years ago. What used to be a celebration of pure joy is now one that also includes sadness. I am always amazed by my husband’s perspective on this, his firm and un-moving belief that his dad is in glory with Jesus. Because of his assurance of this truth, his sadness is somewhat relieved by the joy of knowing where his dad is, and that he too will join him in Heaven when the Lord calls him home. What an amazing example my husband is for me, to remind me that this life is not all there is. Greater and more fuller is the promise of our eternal life with Christ. So though our hearts still ache from the very real pain that is losing our dearest ones, we still find great joy and celebration on Mike’s birthday.

Chris, Mike and Ed

As part of his gift this year, I wanted to write about the gift he is to me everyday of our lives. Mike and I love spending time with couples older than ourselves. It is so rich and encouraging to see what marriage looks like 10, 15, 30 years down the road. We always find the same response from these couples, that marriage is hard, marvelous, it ebbs and flows, but above all, marriage is good. In the little more than three years that we’ve been married I have experienced what it means for love to grow. The day we married I thought my heart was going to explode with this burning love for my husband. The passion and intensity that is falling is love is so wonderful… but I’ve found that over time love morphs into something else. Today I would describe it differently. Today, I would say that our love is like stew. The flavors have simmered all day and the ingredients have tenderized from the process of cooking. Mike and I have weathered life a bit, we’ve turned the page from intensity to steadfastness. The man who used to appear before me absolutely flawless, without blemish and basically perfect is no more. Just as I am none of those things to him. (though we do feel we are perfect for one another!) We have discovered that his constant tapping drives me crazy, and the duration of time at which I leave the fridge door open gets under his skin. In our first year of marriage we used to avoid the idea that we “fought”. We simply had to “talk” about something a little longer and then all was well. Let’s just say things have changed since the first year. But in all the messiness that is living two lives together (because let’s face it, even “clean” people are messy), it has only gotten better. He has proved to give me extra grace in my stubbornness. In all my insecurities and flaws he has proved to love me harder. As our marriage stew tenderizes on the stove-top, I can see and know and feel that his love for me grows everyday. He is a gift to me everyday. Mike is the person who makes me laugh the hardest, so hard it sometimes hurts. He is the person I never want to be without. Even when he leaves for a day I miss him. Happy Birthday to my loving husband, expectant father, and Godly man. With all of my heart I love you, more than words could ever describe! May your birthday be great, may you see and know and feel that my love grows for you each and every day, and may God truly bless you not just on your birthday but on every day. 

"I found him whom my soul loves" Song of Solomon 3:4

With Love,

L

Baby Showers!

I have been intending to share the creative talents that my amazing family have put into the very important occasion that is... my BABY showers :-) !!! They were too beautiful not to share and I am so incredibly grateful to have been "showered" with all the things we need and want for our baby boy. Both were extremely different and both captured the parts of my personality that I have woven into the preparations for this child.

The Wisconsin Shower: Southern

My sissy outdid herself, as to be expected, and surprised me with a southern themed shower. She knows how much I loved living in Charlotte as well as my "wannabe" southern tendencies. So out came the sweet tea and white lace tablecloths, the most amazing cornbread I've ever tasted and our cowboy boots. You can see for yourself how she turned her backyard into a true southern affair! We might have even done our hair the same way, attempting some T-Swift curls to round the whole thing out  ;-)

Left: My beautiful sissy Right: My mom and mother-in-love

The Illinois Shower: Traditional

A working collaboration between my mother and a few aunts really turned this Little Golden Book themed shower into the sweetest day I could have imagined. My Godmother and cousin hosted it in their home and it was truly special. Did you read Little Golden Books as a child? I was fourth in the lineup of children in my household, so by the time I showed up the book stacks were high and I have a handful of favorites I can still remember! From the napkins to the cake and a part of almost every gift, Little Golden Books were everywhere! It was truly precious. And keeping it real for everyone else, my Aunt Shari served guests blue champagne as they arrived. I thought that was adorable! 

Notice the Golden Book Cake? My Aunt Lynn made it, herself.. be amazed! The picture in the middle with my girlfriends shows all of us at the same home for my wedding shower, and now all back together for the baby shower. We missed you Jordan!

It still amazes me the ways that family and friends have helped Mike and I prepare for this baby boy. I am so grateful for all the generosity that has been poured out on us and wish I could take each and every person whose loved on us out for a Thank You coffee! Today I am considered full term at 37 weeks! So now we remain faithful in praying that this boy continues to grow, stay healthy, and we wait...
With Love,
L