The Words Came Back

It’s been so long since I last wrote, over a year..so many reasons for that. Today I begin again, pen to paper, writing my heart.

I want to write about so many things, but mostly I want to write about Tim. It’s been almost six months since we lost my brother. Six months. Six months of waking up and going to bed and a hundred loads of laundry, celebrating birthdays and baptisms, six months of emotions running the gamut from confusion to anger to sadness and everything in between.

Tim and I were nine years apart. That’s a lot of years in between us. A lot of years that make our relationship complicated. We weren’t the closest of siblings, in fact we fought so hard at times we probably could have set a world record. Now I think back to some of our arguments and I can’t help but laugh; like the time he picked me up by my overalls and gave me the worst wedgy. Or the time he brought all the dirty pots and pans up to my bedroom because it was my turn to do the dishes and I refused. We were so much alike. Strong willed, stubborn and free spirited. Very very stubborn. For as many times as we screamed and tattled on each other, I loved Tim so hard. I made sure to always tell him that, even if I was yelling it at him.

There were good times too and once I got a little older the tattling turned into watching each other’s back. After Tim died my family and I flew to Colorado where he was living to gather his belongings and bring him home. As we were sitting in the hotel room all together we began to share stories. I figured enough time had passed that I could tell my parents about the time Tim warned me they had found wine coolers in my closet. My sixteen year old self and Tim came up with a big lie and they TOTALLY believed me. Phew. Thanks for saving me, Tim.

Oh Tim. I miss you so much sometimes it drives me to anger. I hate this world sometimes, I hate that you had diabetes. I hate that diabetes killed you. I hate that you’re not here to make pot roast and destroy mom’s new kitchen. I hate that you don’t get to watch William grow up and that you’ll never meet Samuel, your newest nephew. You're not even here and look at me still getting mad at you!

I love you biggest brother. You will always be missed, more than I bet you ever thought possible. We will always remember you and talk about you. I’m going to carry on your tradition of homemade chex mix at Christmas and Costco sweatpants. I’ll never be able to eat licorice again without thinking of you. I promise to tell my boys all about you and let them listen to Grateful Dead and put too much salt on their popcorn. In so many ways I hope they grow up to be like you; to follow their heart and pursue their passions. To feel deeply. To love the beauty of this world and the people in it. 

From the deepest part of my heart I love you!

L